sousuke yamazaki (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
jinbeizame) wrote2015-06-09 09:01 am
jinbeizame) wrote2015-06-09 09:01 am
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it's yamazaki. leave a message.
〝 AUDIO 〝 TEXT〝 ACTION 〝
it's yamazaki. leave a message.
〝 AUDIO 〝 TEXT〝 ACTION 〝
it's yamazaki. leave a message.
〝 AUDIO 〝 TEXT〝 ACTION 〝
no subject
but he knows rin better than that, knew a version of himself who was better than that. remembers a time when he would have been the pair of hands alongside rin's, pushing down that wall, drilling a hole through the cement. but now? now sousuke knows where that leads. knows that what's on the other side of that wall, for him, is another two hundred feet of it. another layer of iron and steel and everything else. rin would probably drill through to find a cracking facade, a fractured structure, but the section of sousuke's? a mountain.
his reality had been that of failure. of failing bodies and failing wills.
he knows what happens when you give 120% of yourself. he knows that what comes back is 80% less of what you had to give. he worked and he worked and he worked, gave everything that he was and then even more. it's only logical, it's only understandable, that what would come back would be broken, unable to be fixed.
and maybe that's why he's so aggressively drawn to rin's hope. why he can't just let this go. he at least has the self-awareness to know that if left up to his own devices, he wouldn't get there himself. which is why, when rin mentions the reality of where they are, what this place can do, sousuke actually laughs - it's short, and tired, and maybe a little dark. ]
No, that's true. [ his eyes move over to his bandaged arm, the empty space. the nerves twitch, suddenly - a phantom itch he's become accustomed to by this point, but that sometimes still surprises him.
rin sighs, and it draws sousuke's eyes over to him. slanted, and still carrying that exhaustion from the laugh before, he watches rin fight with something. watches rin to try, carefully, piece together the words. he almost expects some romantic speech - something about swimming, about sousuke realizing his dream. he almost speaks up to stop him, to help him out, but something in him holds his mouth closed.
something in him aches for it.
so when rin does start speaking, and sousuke starts hearing what he says, that kind of half-amusement at the situation drops quickly. he holds rin's eye contact, knows why he's saying what he's saying and knows what he means by it, but it shakes sousuke more than he thought it would. because he hates that this is who he is, this is who he's become. he knows how dark and twisted he's become, and he wants nothing more than to be in elementry school again, to be able to laugh and swim and dream about the international stage.
the international stage with rin.
his eyes widen, because that's not what this is about, is it? this is rin thinking on everything else. rin blaming himself for everything else. it falls heavy in sousuke's gut to know that rin thinks that, blames himself for this. even if rin's even said as much before. ]
Rin. [ he moves to push off the wall, the little jolt of pain not even making it into his expression. ] This isn't your battle to fight. You don't- you don't have to do any of this.
no subject
[He snaps, almost like a natural sequence to Sousuke's words, voices nearly blending if not for a fraction of a second. The next moment, he's silent, eyes wide open, stunned by his own eagerness to oppose Sousuke's resistance-- because he knew it would come, perhaps better than he expected his own reactions.
The wall is there again, another layer to challenge their endurance, tall and strong and unrelenting. Rin remembers a time when Sousuke would be by his side, powered by dreams and ambitions much greater than their lanky bodies could hold, a Sousuke who was still carefree, and innocent, his hope unmarred by harsh reality. But the Sousuke from now is weary, disenchanted with the world that Rin insisted was still within reach, too prone to letting darkness take over; and yet, even this Sousuke who has lost all hope is still Sousuke, his treasured childhood friend with an insurmountable type of loyalty to Rin, irreplaceable in virtue and flaw alike.
Even this Sousuke, torn and battered down as he is, is still his alter ego, his other self. And if Rin can find that crack in the wall to push through, then there's no way he's leaving any part of himself behind.]
I do have to do this-- I want to. [He starts again, head held low at first, but then he decides to look straight up, to meet Sousuke dead in the eye. He's found his resolve again, and it's going to take much more than a simple no to get him to back down-- if anything at all has the power to.] We made a promise, remember? That we would look for someone to heal you, together.
[There's more to his strength, more to this obstinate drive to mend what has been broken; there's selfishness, that part of Rin that wants to take every single one of his friends along for the ride with him to share that dream, a dream Rin (hopes? wishfully thinks?) knows is still there, lying dormant in Sousuke's heart. But for now, he keeps it hidden, issues a challenge instead-- shifting the weight onto Sousuke, almost daring him to break that promise. He's selfish, and unfair, like he always is when he finds that tunnel vision, blinded to everything else in his peripheral field.
They will be side by side again, pushing together, breaking any obstacles along the way. But the first wall to surpass is the one standing between them.]
no subject
because the sousuke before had been young, unmarred by reality and all the weight that came with it. for a few years after rin left, sousuke had been able to hold onto that light, that spirit, but it had dimmed. slowly, but surely, broken down by his own failure, by his own body.
he knows rin is fighting for the old sousuke back, and sousuke wants to tell him it's gone - he's gone - but he doesn't have the heart to do it. so instead he watches, feeling helpless and guilty, knowing what rin is doing but unable to stop it. ]
Rin- [ but then rin cuts him off, his voice low. sousuke shuts his mouth to listen, though he still doesn't...no. he does understand. he has always understood rin. he just wasn't expecting the resolve that rin shows him when he lifts his head again. the solid force that is rin matsuoka when he's made up his mind. the fact that it's focused on sousuke, completely and entirely, is a little overwhelming in itself.
then there's the promise, rin holding it out like a challenge, like he knows exactly how to get sousuke to react (because he does). it's so incredibly rin that sousuke can't help but let his shoulders relax into it, almost laughing in the next breath he lets out. of course rin would bring that up, of course rin would use that for leverage. it's rin. ]
I remember the promise. [ he reaches back, rubbing the back of his neck with his only good hand. ] But I don't know if you... [ okay, bad way to start. sousuke lets his hand drop as he looks back to meet rin's eyes. just as adamant, just as solid in his stance. ] I know you want to help. I just need to make sure you know what you're getting into. This isn't easy. It never is.
[ i've been doing this for years he wants to add, but doesn't, keeping a firm set to his jaw instead. ]
no subject
I know. Everything that is really worthwhile doesn't come easy.
[Because Rin has learned this in his own way, from his own struggles, his battle to overcome his shortcomings in Australia, and all the depressive feelings that followed. Because he, too, had broken down once, not in his body but in spirit, and even now there's still that ghost of a whisper planting lies in his mind-- that maybe he really isn't good enough, that all his hard work might be for nothing. Because he might not have felt pain in the flesh, but his heart had been ripped out of his ribcage and crushed, his lungs rinsed in darkness.
It hadn't been easy, it's never never easy to plunge into the abyss and climb back up. But Rin had pulled through, and he knows Sousuke is the same as him; he just needs to find his light again.]
I can't do much more than just sit there with you through the whole process, but I'll do it. [He starts again, red still locked on teal, as though repeating himself could give Sousuke a better sense of certainty, better reassurance.] And I know it will be worth it, in the end. You will definitely have your arm again, and your shoulder will heal, too, and then--
[He needs pause to curb his own enthusiasm, that invincible hope that might either be overwhelming or just plain obnoxious to someone who's lost theirs, a moment to breathe and reel it in. But this is not like Rin, and his efforts only last for a handful of seconds; next, he's smiling again, beaming with his eyes, if not his lips.]
Sousuke... You do realize what that means, right?
no subject
but rin's fought his own battles - he saw the race after coming back from australia. knows that it's selfish and idiotic of him to think that rin wouldn't understand how difficult this all is. but still, he sees that weight, those chips in rin's shoulders, and he hates himself more and more thinking that he'll be the reason more of those appear.
sousuke doesn't drop his eyes, though, when rin continues. he's still unsure, that feeling of disappointment and anger of all the times before rolling up again in his gut. but rin is adamant, rin believes, and sousuke trusts rin more than he does his own experience. trusts rin more than anything should be possible. rin is excited, and it pulls a small smile to the corner of sousuke's lips. a quiet, breathy laugh. ]
Lets not get ahead of ourselves. I need an arm before I can worry about my shoulder.
[ it's not like he doesn't know where rin is going with that. he does. and as much as he doesn't want to let himself get hopeful in fear of being let down, again, he's still got that quiet, weak smile there. rin's enthusiasm has always been contagious. has always been sousuke's greatest weakness.
he doesn't trust whatever magic this is supposed to be, but for rin? for that smile? he's not going to say no. ]
no subject
But now? His smile is different; it's sheepish and a little embarrassed, but still undeniably hopeful, bright despite everything they've been through. But there isn't really any shame in that, right?]
Yeah, I know, I know. [He rubs the back of his neck, laughs a little at how easily he let himself get carried away.] But just think about it: if he can really do something so spectacular as rebuilding an arm, fixing your shoulder shouldn't be much of a problem. Maybe it'll only take a couple of extra sessions, or maybe he can even do it at the same time--
[And then he catches himself again, forcing a lull in the tide before he can roll into a 40ft wave and barrel through again. Sousuke is prone to weird ideas, like thinking he and Rin weren't really friends before just because they couldn't swim together; if Rin keeps pushing him like this, would he get the wrong impression again?]
If you wanted to give up-- [He starts again after another moment's hesitation, not for his words and enthusiasm, but for what Sousuke might have inferred from them.] --then I'd have to make my peace with it. But I know that's not what you want, not really. And I know it's all gonna be worth it. But we gotta give it a try first.
[And that Look is back, strong and determined, and perhaps more meaningful than words. This is for the sake of their dreams, but not for theirs.]
no subject
he knows rin better than that, he always has.
so he lets it ease away. knows that isn't what rin meant, even if sousuke had expected it. and as soon as he lets it go, what he sees in front of him is rin - with a sheepish smile and an immeasurable amount of hope and everything, everything, sousuke was never able to create for himself. he looks up and sees the same bright light he'd seen above the surface, that had pushed him to the end of his race, and he can't help but let it wash over him.
but then rin backtracks, and sousuke just shakes his head, needing to stop whatever it is he has stuck in his head. ]
No, I'm willing to try. I'm already doing this, anyway, so what's another few meetings.
[ and not just because rin wants him to. not just because he knows what that light, that sparkle, behind rin's eyes really mean. rin may be the start of it, the spark, but sousuke feels that hope start to grow. he takes a breath and shakes his head, his eyes back down to the ground though the smile still lingers. ]
If this really works, and I can really heal, then I can get back in the pool again...
no subject
As soon as those words ring in his ears, red eyes are brimming with a different spark, a wet sort of gleam that reflects nothing but relief. Despite all his history and personal frustrations, and the very fact this new situation is entirely foreign to the both of them, he's ignited that fire back in Sousuke's heart, that small hope to push him onward. A do-over, so he can keep chasing after his dreams.
Rin can't help but feel like he, too, has been given a second chance a second time. Before, he got to start over a friendship that Sousuke should never have doubted; now, he gets to mend what has been broken-- no, not so drastic; just cracked.]
It will work. [A firm nod, smile as wide as it is determined, overflowing with unbound hope. He doesn't have to hold back anymore.] I just know it will. Then you'll be back in the pool, and with a little extra practice, you'll catch up to everyone, and then?
[He catches himself again, laughs a little, not as embarrassed this time, and the smile is confident instead of sheepish, nearly cocky, really. Already so different from how he was a minute ago.]
With your real full potential out, we'll be unstoppable.